my love hides
in the darkest corners
of my mind
attacks when i show
any signs
of weakness
i lash out, fight back
blows land, haphazard
no longer well-timed
my rage is erratic
and your feelings
are unrequited
this fever
is contagious
contaminated, my heart
dies a few tiny deaths
every day
i am sorry
that they are not
by your hands
i am bleeding
from all the places
you couldn’t heal
i am disintegrating
in all the places
you couldn’t touch
i took the wrong car that day
rode far away
now there’s nothing here
but a line of ashes
and the hill where you sleep
beneath the cold soil
all this still haunts me
pulls me north
to where we grew up
and got let down
dropped into
a few moments
that took your life from mine
strange i should think
of seeing you
at a time like this
traveling thousands of miles
just to lie in the dirt
my cheek to granite
no pulse in stone
over a decade ago
you saw me become
silent and strange
still
you loved me
so, so many L words have I
spoken, said, written
without you here
the one i long to say
just your name
hot again in my mouth like
those warm summers
in the grass
with your lips pressed
so softly to my neck
your lips
some of the first
that i buried in my heart
because
i thought it was safe there
i always
thought you’d be safe
a blender grinds out
its grotesque symphony of noise
as i sit
a sullen, wooden chair
supports the weight of my fear
espresso and heartache
the drinks of the year
the coffee shop is filled
with men in their wool coats
clean shoes, tight pants, good hair
and i, in my yellow dress
a stiff little doll
all rigid limbs and wringing fingers
numbness
anxiety
shifting uncomfortably
as they come in from the cold
all the neat, smart, queer people
orbiting around me in tight cliques
they don’t see that
i am crushed
for many long, silent moments
watching out the window
all things
are filled with a fresh intensity
chest squeezing out breath
when i see you
unable to remain
tied to the spot
my heels beat the tile
as i rush to the door
the bell gasping as i push out
chill morning air engulfs me
my whole being ricocheting
from the curb
into the street
into your arms
my wavering voice
reminds us
we are both still here
you take my shaking hands in yours
test my name on your lips
the sound of it hits me
like something new
like it could shut out
reality
but only for a time
your hand cradling mine
reminds me that
the sun is bright and warm
for the first time in years
and for once
i notice that it still shines
