Waiting

a blender grinds out

its grotesque symphony of noise

as i sit

a sullen, wooden chair

supports the weight of my fear

espresso and heartache

the drinks of the year

the coffee shop is filled

with men in their wool coats

clean shoes, tight pants, good hair

and i, in my yellow dress

a stiff little doll

all rigid limbs and wringing fingers

numbness

anxiety

shifting uncomfortably

as they come in from the cold

all the neat, smart, queer people

orbiting around me in tight cliques

they don’t see that

i am crushed

for many long, silent moments

watching out the window

all things

are filled with a fresh intensity

chest squeezing out breath

when i see you

unable to remain

tied to the spot

my heels beat the tile

as i rush to the door

the bell gasping as i push out

chill morning air engulfs me

my whole being ricocheting

from the curb

into the street

into your arms

my wavering voice

reminds us

we are both still here

you take my shaking hands in yours

test my name on your lips

the sound of it hits me

like something new

like it could shut out

reality

but only for a time

your hand cradling mine

reminds me that

the sun is bright and warm

for the first time in years

and for once

i notice that it still shines

Circle

“I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever.”

-Rabindranath Tagore

—

oh

how your voice

small and scared

reminded me of her

curled up on the floor

with a monster

waiting

right outside the door

i was

all bravado

and child parts then

unable to protect her

from him

watching helplessly

as she rose

with all the things i loved

discarded on the ground

the joy and the hope

in its death throes

subdued forever

beneath her bare feet

so you should be told

that this sickness may be

written on my bones

sparked in my joints

triggered

by this

the thought of you

standing up

with only

half of yourself

left

and perhaps this disorder

is where it starts

perhaps we are

as lovers

born

from this filth

the roots of our illness

penetrating

the purest soil

as we

febrile and scarred

run from our past

only to find ourselves

lost

in its familiarity

 

we produce the most beauty

in the darkest corners

of our lives

 

i wanted to hold you

for this reason

and give you

a kiss, to summon strength

an embrace, to keep you together

and these words:

your heart

is not the disease

it’s the cure

Landing

i hit the ground

and

all of these

things

are just things

and my heart

is just an organ

pumping blood to my

brain

whose circuits fire

suggestions of emotion

feelings passing

like streetlights

one gaudy, neon mess

after another

and your hands

are just hands

holding tightly

as if they weren’t

thin skin over

brittle bone

 

and pills are just chemicals

and words are just souls

and life is just short

and love is just forever

and you are just gone

and i am just broken

and no one knows

 

no one knows

 

the bed is here

as is the wall

my flesh and

everything

i have left

turning into

light

crashing against the sky

trying to

free heaven

from its captive darkness

all pieces of me

scattered into the night

dissolving

and lost

beautiful

and alive

Fictions

with a start, i wake

gather ribbons to take

each one, blood red

tied to those who follow me

into the mirror world

we all fall

hands on hearts and

legs crossed

for the dive

i write them into fictions

building a fortress to hold

and give new life

in lines of prose

these stories

fantastical

unfolding as truth

all these strings tangled

around you and i

 

will you recognize yourself

if the fires from your hands

incinerate even

the shadows beneath us

i made you a goddess

of heat and flame

and i

a moth

drawn

but always

just out of reach

 

i made you a goddess

before it was written

and here i am

wringing a holy truth

from each line

canonized

as we fall in tandem

softly cradled

in the brightest future

and left alone

together

with our sweet and hopeful words

Shrapnel

new years

bursts like bright light

sudden terror

hope

and the fear of every moment

every moment gone between us

every moment, gone.

past this broken stillness

where we held ourselves for so long

until vast, churning rivers of time

swept us to shore

childlike and frightened

we man our new crafts

our land boats

oars dipped deep into the earth

with all the mud and clay of creation

wearing us down

birthing us fresh from our sorrow

fresh from our

latest lonely tragedy

all these seconds

all these minutes

these hours

years

suddenly just shrapnel

in our wide open eyes

as we gaze into the blood red horizon

of the new dawn

my right hand placed

tentatively

over your

still

beating

heart